This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go
Somewhere only we know.
The combination of INSOMNIA (I hate these untimely attacks, like why cant they hit during lectures or something), the relentless postmodernism and their distrust of grand narratives, the jitters from the basket cabdriver who took me further than JB, the lack of any decent warm up and the stress both mental and physical that ensued plus the heart palpitations from the red bull, the cold and empty stomach and the throbbing headache had me feeling slightly dizzy after the rugby game today. I didn't do everything I thought I really wanted to do. But I'm in a state of bliss that the mad rush is over and I am looking forward to a tedious but acceptable paper in 5 days and life will be great(er) (:
I love it when Yilin is in a good mood because its so infectious hahaha.
Recently, I had unexpected good long talks with Wing and Weiyi and they've helped me understand so much not just in terms of my rugby positioning, but about life in general. The timing for so much to chew on may not be impeccable but I just need to make it through today.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/30/2011 02:25:00 AM |
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Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.
Studying for the postmodern paper is making my heart race faster than last night's training (and I was DAMN tired no joke) because suddenly, at 12.49 am, I realize that everything I thought I knew isn't enough and maybe I don't really know anything (SO POMO WTF). After all, I raise both hands up in agreement when Lyotard says that "we can no longer talk about a totalizing idea of reason for there is no reason, only reasons". Actually what I'm learning is pretty interesting and I cannot think of a reason why I didn't start 13 weeks (or even 1 week) ago.
If "we" is such a repulsed term maybe we shouldn't exist at all. Maybe its another night of instability with the weight of 11 texts on my already shitty shoulders thats causing this "fuck I had enough" (or maybe we both have had enough) feeling and maybe it'll come to pass tomorrow. (Let me be for now.)
On a very positive note, a shoutout to EPM for always knowing when her petits récits is very much needed to help me make it through the night. :')
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/30/2011 12:47:00 AM |
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Ho-oh-kay. I think I just (re)pulled some part of my shoulder while lying down. I knew doing those readings were a bad idea.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/29/2011 03:38:00 AM |
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"I’m a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart."
-Fall Out Boy
I'm also exactly a week from the end of the exams, which if I were to perfectly honest, has not been featured as much in my life as compared to rugby or even _____.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/29/2011 03:01:00 AM |
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Thursday, April 28
I'm once again at that dreadful site where thought is too much and too little all at once. I just need a hot shower and some good sleep.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/28/2011 12:55:00 AM |
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My wall display collapsed yet again and this time I unpegged them all and took it as a sign its time to pack up. The tinge of sadness lingers but theres also the hope that things will change when I'm in a different environment as well as the shiokness of not having to painstakingly untangle the strings but this time I just snipped it all off.
If only clean cuts could be made so easily in other aspects of life.
I believe the term "gay marriage" is problematic in itself. One has breakfast, not "gay breakfast"; takes a nap, not takes a "gay nap". So, why should getting married be different?
We take too much for granted.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/27/2011 01:24:00 AM |
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One of my short term goals is to learn how to differentiate something truly worthless from something I can't obtain and hence subconsciously start picking at so that I can term it worthless and wont feel so bad for not having it.
My second short term goal is how to make my state of disinterest permanent.
They are not quite the same even though they could start a dialogue because we all "live in a glorious state of flux".
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/25/2011 03:48:00 AM |
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Sunday, April 24
Its world pinhole day but my aching self is losing the battle of going to church even plus I left the pinhole camera I made specially for this occassion in hall. I sincerely wonder whats it like to have a day where there are no "oh crap" moments.
And speaking of curse-worthy moment, I remember chanting fuck fuck fuck (sorry) under my breath during my "bu-yao-li-kai-wo" moment as I was clinging on to this guys ankles and dragged comically across the turf- the shit moment of the week.
My home is like the Pokecenter, theres absolutely nothing that I can do here but rest and recover. Am dying for a good stretch but I wont even drag myself down to the jacuzzi and thats how lazy I am here sweating on my bed (too lazy to turn on my aircon even).
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/23/2011 01:40:00 AM |
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I am more concerned about the fact that one of my shoulder bone is sticking out more than the other (though both are hurting weirdly) than I am about the 51 readings I don't plan on doing.
And I know no one really cares but I have enough blackheads on my face to feed a family of 4.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/23/2011 12:53:00 AM |
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Thursday, April 21
I'm amused at how she chose the right picture to leave the frame and how the guy behind is exerting so much presence in the picture. I wish I brought that fruit tart- I'm in a perpetual state of being too full and too greedy. Happy 2 days before the exams Van. (:
Its perfect for Dashboard Confessional's Carry This Picture now, and even more so for some people (so I force fed it into their emails). I love how the rain goes on as it pleases and changes the way people feel and do things. I wouldnt mind being the rain. (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/20/2011 11:45:00 AM |
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And there are so many ways the cookie can crumble. But isnt that the point- cookies are meant to crumble, how else will we eat them? Speaking of cookies, I'm missing the sugar ones I used to bake in the US of A as well as those the nice chef use to give me under the table when I was working at the Mind's cafe.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/20/2011 11:33:00 AM |
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Somehow, somewhere along the way, we managed to change things. You managed to make things harder for me and I, well, I managed anyway.
Falling in line is one thing I absolutely abhor- fulfilling someone else's expectations of you, doing what you should be doing instead of what you want to, or even better, feel like doing (one of life's biggest diachotomy really). But "life's like that" (I ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS PHASE), or so you say. To borrow the words of Henry David Thoreau, "if a man loses pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer". In my case, I would like to think it as the beat of my heart. Methinks we pigeon hole ourselves too much too often.
Oh and I don't give a shit about theories or grand narratives: they can define whatever they please I don't care if I'm just another person who think shes so avant garde and all free spirited when in fact there have been millions ahead of me and I'm just falling in line with another line. Thats Baudrillard's problem and not mine.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/16/2011 12:17:00 AM |
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Friday, April 15
I might not do everything for them such as give up rugby or live thriftily or start living my life like my boring first-class-honours-in-3-years-and-getting-married-with-6-yr-teacher-girlfriend cousin, but I would, without hesitation, die for them.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/15/2011 02:31:00 AM |
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I've always been curious about the whole deal with 'soulmates', 'the one', 'mr/miss right', 'the one I've been waiting for all my life', 'the right person'. To me, its really about being at the right place at the right time, because honestly, how many people could be 'right' for you and how long does 'right' last- I mean after all we grow, and how do you tell if the 'right one' grows in tandem with you? I hate it when relationships fall apart and you think of the hearts you drew to each other with an air of mockery and a scorn on your face.
Belle, would you kindly tell me the name for the book again, or better yet lend me (after Friday)?
Theres a first time for everything and someone might not know it, but someone almost made my day.
And I was too quick to declare because there really are "the only exceptions". (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/13/2011 04:57:00 AM |
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Monday, April 11
I do not hold any rights to complain but I guess I could always say that I'm so tired right now I think I'm disappearing- whatever that means. And 5 hours of class and training later- oh gosh doesnt even begin to cover it. At least it was a marginally enjoyable night. And I must say, its not like I've any choice, but I can't decide.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/11/2011 06:41:00 AM |
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If you care to share.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/11/2011 05:12:00 AM |
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Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes Silver white winters that melt into springs These are a few of my favorite things :)
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/11/2011 12:42:00 AM |
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Sunday, April 10
I would like a typewriter very much, especially after having watched Moulin Rouge (one of my favourite piece of homework in NUS). Not only is it super cool, but I am also totally convinced that the satisfying "tiack tiack" sounds of the keys would entice me to keep on typing forever and ever and not break for facebook and twitter and blogger every other minute (I mean a typewriter wouldnt allow for that too).
I must be a structuralist at heart, because I believe that everything can be rationalized. So when I can't understand certain lacunas or signifiers, I get distressed, believing that something must be inherently wrong. Am I missing something or is it that the world just isn't intrinsically knowable?
What I do know in absolute terms is that "You are the only exception" is too dreamy for real life.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/10/2011 02:26:00 AM |
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I never was convinced by "Impossible is nothing" or vice versa.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/09/2011 03:46:00 AM |
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We could steal time.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/09/2011 02:29:00 AM |
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Futz is such a usable word of the day.
And my non-injured right leg is hurting so badly the toilets feel about 500m away.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/09/2011 12:09:00 AM |
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Friday, April 8
"She can talk the talk, or even walk the walk, but can she hit the cork?" (BBE, 2011).
And I had more fun than I've had in a long time in my first ever badminton training session and I've known all along my BBE is my feel good friend, but today was just special- defeat was absolutely secondary. (:
We tell ourselves things would change, and no feelings are final- this may be true no doubt, but the ringing question is : When?
Oh and trust me when I say this is something we both dont desire.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/07/2011 02:21:00 AM |
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Wednesday, April 6
For we have no scars to show for happiness
I am not a morning person only because I like to sleep. I would bet if I could sleep at 8pm daily, I would have no issues with mornings. Because I absolutely adore the warm sunshine on my neck and the general calmness we can't explain. I like saying "thank you God for giving me this day" because it's so much easier and much more hopeful knowing you've yet another brand new day in which no mistakes have yet to be made (unless you are me and somehow managed to wake up late to a mess of fallen strings and photographs and an ice bag leaking on the floor- but even those aren't exactly mistakes per se). Gone are the insecurites of the night, which i inevidably feel silly for in the clear of the day, in exchange for a host of new tasks which could really keep you happily (or at least,) occupied. Good morning friends, may your day be filled with the scent of (clean) grass beneath your feet, or in the cases of the rugby girls, up your noses.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/06/2011 10:11:00 AM |
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I didn't plan on it but out of nowhere another wave of sadness lapped at my toes and I just had to say.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/06/2011 03:25:00 AM |
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"I can’t explain what I mean. And even if I could, I’m not sure I’d feel like it."
-The Catcher In the Rye
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/06/2011 02:48:00 AM |
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Tuesday, April 5
"Sweet, crazy conversations full of half sentences, daydreams and misunderstandings are more thrilling than understanding could ever be."
I cant help thinking that if I owned this nightstand, my life would take an immediate u-turn for the better. I'm so smitten I've printed a picture and will stick it next to my bed to 望梅止渴.
2 presentations, 3 essays, 1 assignment and 1 badminton showdown in the next 7 days, I think its going to be my personal best in terms of academic productivity (at least in terms of quantity).
And theres something not intrinsically wrong with this air of weird.
I REALLY want to meet/be the person I would have been if I had never met you.
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/01/2011 12:39:00 AM |
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My mum made salmon celery soup for me and even strained it before serving just because I said nothing solid. It was quickly followed by a cup of freshly squeezed orange juice. And if I ever manage half her selfless love and thoughtfulness I would be very satisfied with myself as a person. But till then I am the most undeserving daughter I know and my mum, is an angel :)
Mamihlapinatapei : 4/01/2011 12:11:00 AM |
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I might not do everything for them such as give up rugby or live thriftily or start living my life like my boring first-class-honours-in-3-years-and-getting-married-with-6-yr-teacher-girlfriend cousin, but I would, without hesitation, die for them. 
I cant help thinking that if I owned this nightstand, my life would take an immediate u-turn for the better. I'm so smitten I've printed a picture and will stick it next to my bed to 望梅止渴.
