Wednesday, March 2
And something to think about when I'm slightly more lucid- when is 随便 too 随便, when is imposing too imposing and when is the best time to celebrate my neighbour's birthday?
Labels: (:, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 3/02/2011 03:03:00 AM
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Thursday, January 6
Actually, I dislike it when people tell me to "chill" before they even hear what is exactly the problem, or if there is no problem, what I have to say. Obviously if I have something to feel about or something to say, that something matters to me and asking me to "chill" is really akin to suggesting I am not fully entitled to my entire range of emotions. I mean if I am being dramatic and all, maybe chill is the right advice, but I don't appreciate "chill" as the dismissive cure-all.
But but but, I have come to realize that I am increasingly more "chill" and I'm undecided whether that is a good thing or not. I miss the feeling of fighting for something, of being very disturbed by something, of being deliriously happy about nothing at all and above all, that spark of excitement. But now its all "anything lor", "everything goes" and "I don't really cares". I let too many things pass me by without the right dosage of emotions and I feel like its an indication of how so many things dont matter to me anymore. I need more uncertainties and definitely a sense of adventure
I've poped a fresh roll of film in my old Pentax and hopefully the sky will be a different blue tomorrow and I will stop feeling strange.
In case you didnt get me, (its okay I don't either) I am not angry or sad, I'm really just emotionally unsaturated. And really, I've been having great days. (:
Labels: random, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 1/06/2011 02:51:00 AM
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Tuesday, January 4
Maybe I ask too much of you, maybe the rain is kind of glorious, maybe this is about enough, maybe I could be magical on my own and maybe, just maybe, I was happier tonight that I should have been.
You know when you make a error and someone corrects you and you think you've got it corrected and insist you've got it corrected when in fact you haven't and in actuality you don't even know the error you've committed- well, that is the worst error of all.
I will never be the girly girl or an athlete or a dancer or a lotus flower, but thats okay isnt it?
Labels: stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 1/04/2011 02:35:00 AM
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Saturday, January 1
"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make art - write or draw or build or sing or live only as you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."- Neil Gaiman
"Good madness" has a nice ring to it (:
The first day of my the year that will hopefully be remembered as the one extra amazing year passed rather placidly. I took a walk down old-dvds/vcds/tapes cupboard and emerged with 49 Disney collections (I'm positive I've more that got lost somewhere) and the Harry Potter dvd that I couldn't find in its cover (and promptly threw a tantrum).
When I turned 21, I announced I was leaving the 'cute' world behind and entering 'hot and sexy' avenue. Obviously I was kidding because hot and sexy avenue does not exist in my universe. But the idea was there that it was time to rid myself of random quirks and impulsive whims all in the name that I was young, fearless, and thoroughly indefatigable because every regrettable action could so easily be filed under the folly of youth. It is so easy to describe a person whos smily, happy, bubbly (yes I admit), short (tall people hardly ever qualify) and chubby (slim also can be cute lah but thats a pretty kind of cute while chubby cute is really the way to say someone is not pretty but she is a friend/seems like a nice person so you kind of are obliged to through in a half compliment). It wasn't like I just decided to be someone else (I don't even think you can ever consciously decide who you want to be) but maybe it was time to stop being so easy going and fluff-headed and stop being politically correct all the time.
I don't quite know how that is working out, but one things for sure is the increasing hours of solitude in my life, a habit that I cultivated overseas perhaps. I used to be an everybody girl but being alone especially at times when I really needed support and there was only shitty signals on the Brooklyn Bridge was a wake up call. Friends whom I'm had so much fun with never contacted me like they said they would and its not like I was disappointed or anything, but I did realize how some people are fun people to be with on a temporary basis and it was wiser to leave it at that.
I was on this train of thought and I remembered the one time had a meltdown in a random lobby the hotel-with-the-impossibly-small-rooms at Washington DC and Yilin was there for me. I still don't know if she got me then and I probably never will but she kept me sane. Maybe, I should be a bit more grateful and much less critical about people who have proven to be such support surprises.
Some people recollect their years through achievements, CAP, medals won, sporting success, stage of career, pay check, academic standing, house, number of years of relationship with partner, count down parties, where they spent most of their time etc etc. Me, I recollect my years with the aid of the people who broke and filled my heart.
Labels: home, random, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 1/01/2011 11:55:00 PM
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Friday, December 31
Colour the coast with your smile
Is it that special occasions are no longer as meaningful or that every day can be so special (without the crowds) that special occasions are no longer special? I guess I'm celebrating the end of what will always be remembered as the year of the cyst by staying in with my bolster, a can of coke, season 2 of my all time favourite series (sex and the city) and sense of happy neutralism.
Gone are the days of double/triple booking places to be and people to meet on special occasions, and this has been the most social reclusive year of my life and I don't foresee any changes in the near future. Is it the lack of faith in people or the increasing sense of independence?
This time last year I was alone (ironically I was in the cheapest mixed room for room of 8) in Green
tortoise hostel, Seattle. This time this year I am still alone (still on a bed) and still feeling like the year that just passed left so much unanswered and the year that is to come will holds so much promises.
In 2011, I will try not to fall in love (in whatever sense) with anyone who thinks I'm ordinary.
Irrationally enough, I miss you and I wish we spoke the same language. This is the last thing I want to say on my blog this year because maybe (hopefully?) this time next year I will look at it and remember everything worth remembering together with everything thats not.
Labels: (:, ):, random, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 12/31/2010 10:01:00 PM
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Thursday, December 30
Despite getting a B+ for soci of emotions, I am still none the wiser about why emotions are such unstable states of being. Like one split second ago I was on a high from having an awesome time at Wing's with the contact girls and but its all so different now.
It could be the side effects of having a womb.
But I had such a good time it was probably one of the best ways to end the year of the cyst. ((:
Labels: random, rugby, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 12/30/2010 01:05:00 AM
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Wednesday, December 29
And today, I'm officially (whatever that means) missing you.
I feel like when I'm nice to people, most of the time, the person is superficially nice back when actually he/she doesn't really care if I'm nice or not, some times the person takes it as a sign that I am a mild person and steps all over me, occasionally the person replies with so much enthusiasm I get overwhelmed and once in a while the person thinks I'm being creepy and/or overwhelming.
Am I just hard to please or is it no longer fashionable that niceness begets niceness in the purest form? Don't get me wrong, I am nice to people (mostly) because I want to be but recently I've been wondering if people don't actually welcome that sense of niceness then what is really the point? What happened to the days of being nice to people and finding a nice friend in return? Is it about the age and the people I meet or is there something fundamentally wrong in me per se? Is the days of meeting a Kaihui over (this is actually kind of creepy haha) ?
And there is no point in this musing because my boring 'nice' trait is something I can't help, something like my habit for opening doors for people.
On a much more positive note, the doctor (I refuse to say "my doctor" because I really want as little to do with NUH as possible) has given me the green light and after one day of friendly and back breaking Blacks, I am convinced I am fighting fit. I must say seeing the wound slowly close up (still a small little gap) really upped my low spirits bit by bit last week. (:
Today I also contemplated talking about you, for the very first time.
Labels: rugby, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 12/29/2010 02:22:00 AM
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Monday, December 13
When you're not feeling well and try to appear alright, people think you're putting up a front. If you're sulky and upset, most people either don't know how to comfort you or think that you're being a whinny person. If you ask me, I would like a hug and we could leave it at that (unless I know its worth my while to spil my guts out to you). Today someone asked if I'm okay, and I said "yes... no." And I can't remember what happened after but that was really enough. I'm not a fan of babying over injuries and I don't see the point sharing the dolor but to have someone care in a very subtle way was kind of nice.
There is nothing scary about choice. Its only scary when you have no choice. Or when you have so many choices you feel like you don't have a choice.
If you were ever to ask me, I would tell you honestly "You hold all the cards".
Labels: stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 12/13/2010 12:13:00 AM
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Saturday, December 11
Okay this is completely not post worthy but I have been kind of irritated because firstly theres so many things on my to-do list such that I threw it away altogether and secondly I cannot quite figure out if the film in my sproket rocket is properly wound up of am I taking pictures on nothing at all.
Going to perm my hair tomorrow and I'm excited. I'm just bored of this plainness. My hair is really very much like me, nice and completely uninteresting. I would actually cut it all off but I need to save a ponytail just in case I ever need a scrum cap. Okay I am discussing MY HAIR here, this is how very much I am turning into such a bore in my candycane pjs. (:
What if I don't have anything I want to tell you except that I miss you very much?
"There are a million ways to bleed. But you are by far my favourite."Labels: everyday nonsense, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 12/11/2010 10:53:00 PM
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Wednesday, December 8
How do you know when too much is too much?
Even if it seems like I'm a bit to free to be true, I am really looking forward to tomorrow- ktv with the hilarious girls who are missing our boys who need to come home soon and stop having so much fun in Europe.
Labels: love you, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 12/08/2010 02:56:00 AM
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Wednesday, November 17
We carry these things inside that no one else can seeThey hold us down like anchors, they drown us out at sea.
I dont know which is harder- to pretend you care about someone when you actually dont or pretending you don't when you do.
Also, I've always wondered what is the problem with saying "I don't care about (insert person's name)". I mean why not? Its a completely neutral team is it not? Its not like I'm saying "I want the worst for (insert person's name)". But somehow people seem to think that saying you don't care about X is akin to a self-declaration of how you are some sort of cruel being.
I'm feverish but happy. And what I want to do now is watch the Harry Potter movie and go out for some good potatoes fried with garlic and French Onion soup.
Labels: random, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 11/17/2010 11:16:00 PM
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Thursday, November 4
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
Today my incredibly complex mind dawdled on the topic of how it is impossible for anyone to really care for me but me. I'm not saying all my friends dont truly care, but even if they do, they cannot care for me the way only I can. I don't think anyone really knows how much pills I am popping every day (I must say the diclofenac is kind of working for me) or how today is possibly the 4th day in a row I have not have lunch. And a part of me is concerned but for the bigger part I'm really just disinterested (except for the gastric pains part which I 'solve' by just popping more pills) and I just got to thinking about how such possibly important life habits of mine goes unnoticed to so many. And how they probably can't help me out and possibly even not care. This is really just a lament and not a call for you to ask me how I am because I am also in full awareness of how I probably am ignorant to so many things thats happening in your life (unless you tweet obsessively like certain so & sos). But I still do love you, and welcome you to tell me anything, anything at all.
Because for people I care about, its not what so much about what the person have to share, but more of the person per se. My caring heart overwhelms even me sometime, but I think its because we live in such an uncaring world that we don't think its acceptable to wear your heart on your sleeve anymore.
Also, is it now wrong that I want to hear from friends rather than to hear of them?
Labels: stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 11/04/2010 03:15:00 AM
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Thursday, September 23
"It’s like riding a bicycle. You never forget."
-Mr. Krabs (Spongebob Squarepants)
So I was going to tell you about what a good day I had running away from life and work and things that bug. That it was a good day with a slow lunch and chill session and a pleasant walk back in the slight drizzle and a good time at tpy with my childhood memories and a good day walking pretty much everywhere and a good time spent with myself with no concern if I'm real or fake or what I want or need or pretty much anything really.
And then, there has to be an "and then".
My sixth sense has a history of being disgustingly accurate, so it will do me a great deal of good to acknowledge it instead of packing it into a pretty box and shoving it into a strangers bag, hoping against all logical thoughts that I am (unlikely) wrong.
Oh but I did have a good time today, I remember the overhead bridges my bestfriend and I used to love and as I crossed one today I was kind of smiling on my own which I feel is the simplest sort of happiness. And if not for that fact it had been pouring, I would have sat there and watched the cars go by below.
Labels: everyday nonsense, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 9/23/2010 12:19:00 AM
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Saturday, September 18
I am too weak to be your cure.Gotta tackle and catch them all.
You've outstayed your welcome, I want something new for my thoughts to wend.
Labels: rugby, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 9/18/2010 10:37:00 PM
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Friday, September 17
I need you to really go over the limit so I can get out of the "I feel bad" state and move on to the "I dont care about you anymore" state because I'm not the 提得起放得下 sort. I hope its soon cause 长痛不如短痛, and well, I've honestly had enough of feeling bad.
Aside, I guess I'm sorry for you but 勉强是没有幸福的 and pointing your finger at the world/her isnt gonna make you any more self-actualized.
(I tried to make this post completely in english but it sounded abit too formal and too dolorous haha)
Labels: stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 9/17/2010 12:30:00 AM
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Tuesday, September 14
Do I want you to know or do I want to know or what is it that I really want and will I get what I want and what if I don't?
Talking to Sheryl Barrel made my unsettleness so much more settled. (:
Labels: love you, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 9/14/2010 04:04:00 AM
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若现实它总教人更加悲伤 就让我在回忆里继续梦幻
I am one small step away from goodbye. (really?)
Today, I led the life of a normal everyday hardworking student who didnt eat supper. haha (: I wish I have it in me to do this all the time. It was good with the old people, but the handball woes are coming back. Don't quite know what to make of it so lets not go there.
I feel like a tittle, is that okay?
Labels: handball, NUS, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 9/14/2010 01:35:00 AM
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Friday, September 10
Because dreams are the wishes your heart makes that have yet to come true. And you never know if they ever would.
Its scary for me because my dreams are a very accurate reflection of my conscious being.
Labels: stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 9/10/2010 04:11:00 AM
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Thursday, September 9
"My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face."
-Eat Pray Love (Elizabeth Gilbert)
Sometimes my feelings eludes words/logic. Sometimes things aren't wrong but they don't feel right. Its the whole limbo feeling- the I'm not sure if I should be feeling this way if its okay to let someone know I feel this way and if I should stop feeling this way.
Oh and I failed my driving again, and whoever who said third times the charm probably had good intentions but I guess should know that its not really that case in my life. For the first time in my life the hard-work-does-guarantee-results situation is occurring for me. I'm not as sad as I should be though. Its just a pain in the butt to know that the whole trouble and stressful process has STILL yet to come to an end.
I wonder if my fingers are ever gonna heal completely in the near future, just as I wonder if my foot is completely healed.
I love it when random people/things/songs charm me (:
Labels: driving, random, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 9/09/2010 02:42:00 AM
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Tuesday, September 7
I'll have to think about that later.
I'm weird that way. I not only procrastinate things, but thoughts as well.
Random thoughts:
1. What is Andrew Boey STILL doing in hall?
2. I think it is stupid that on top of pasting the IHG trials flyer outside EVERY door, SMC is also pasting it on every notice board, communal door, toilet door, toilet, and basically everywhere they can find. I mean it is already hard enough to miss it outside your door you know.
Labels: love you, stargazing
Mamihlapinatapei : 9/07/2010 02:55:00 AM
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This time last year I was alone (ironically I was in the cheapest mixed room for room of 8) in Green tortoise hostel, Seattle. This time this year I am still alone (still on a bed) and still feeling like the year that just passed left so much unanswered and the year that is to come will holds so much promises. 
Because dreams are the wishes your heart makes that have yet to come true. And you never know if they ever would.