Saturday, December 25
Merry Christmas, darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you
Am I the only one around who still adores the Carpenters? Haha but I must say I'm pretty taken in by Glee's version as well.
But at the end/present/begining of the day, Jesus is the reason for the season.
Happy Birthday Jesus ((:
Labels: YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 12/25/2010 02:19:00 AM
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Monday, November 1
你会发现 你会讶异
你是我最压抑最深处的秘密I was actually kind of reluctant about my Sunday of yesterday because I had to be so on the go but my friends and family are just angels and Weiyi is definitely wrong to say God doesn't love because I didn't go to church.
Training was kind of unexpectedly fun. Then I got so comfortable hanging out at Serena's after training with he funny bunnies just stuffing ourselves with junk food, gossiping and feeling like 16 again. But I was having such an annoying dull headache and was completely having an internal grumble session about having to drag myself and my big ass (and disproportionately heavy) bag to vivo to hang out with Bella, Hannah, Aileen, Kaihui and Grace. I'm definitely glad I did because they make me so happy- who else will take such good care of me and fill me with enough love to last the entire week? Came back to a nice big stack of folded clothes thanks to xy that was completely unexpected and a nice talk with Posie on her ahpek chair and she is so honest and brave and funny; shes definitely one of the top lists of people I like from the bottom of my heart.
Its just an overwhelming (in the most positive way ever) influx of love from and for everyone thats making my night. (: I guess God has his ways of filling me up with so much love to carry me through the upcoming trying week. ((:
Labels: love you, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 11/01/2010 02:29:00 AM
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Sunday, September 26
Let go and let God
But sometimes, I feel like its easier to let God and then let go. I don't think theres a right and wrong so long as I know whos in charge. Gracie once told me something that changed my Christian life forever (not that I have had a rich history of Christian life to begin with). It went something along the lines of when people come before God, He wants us to leave our burdens at the cross. Which is exactly what we do when we go to church, so in that short (sometimes it doesnt feel so short, especially when you are hungry in the morning) 2 hours, we cast all our cares at the cross and surround ourself with worships and with assurance that God holds us and loves us. But once we leave, we habitually retrieve our the burdens. And then proceed to begin our stressed mortal life for one more week before the next service.
I don't think this necessarily refers to church habits. Its something that happens daily to so many. We pray, lift up our worries, ask for health for our friends, and then upon "amen", we (okay, at least I) instantaneously forget that everything has been seen to and proceed to worry and fret all over again.
I constantly pray for abounding faith, for a true anchor in my God, but for now, I all I have is a firm belief in Him and His love for me. I cannot defend my faith against "How do you explain evolution?" and "So if I dont believe in God will I necessarily go to hell?". As with I cannot explain if my God is so good, why is He not healing my shoulder and wrist the moment I ask him to (I have not anyways). But I believe. I believe He died for me and I believe He loves me and I believe because everything I've been through I have been so well equipped with people by my side that have blessed me with abounding love. And that is the reason for my faith- love. Maybe one day I will set myself down and turn all biblical and quote Matthew, John and Luke as evidence for every iota of His love (not possible for "The love of God is greater far/ Than tongue or pen can ever tell"), but for now, I am content to know that my Abba, My Father, he loves me forever- my futures secure in His hands (:
Today I went to church on time for the first time in a long time and I was disappointed to know that it was Pastor Leelian who was preaching because Pastor Prince was doing his usually busy pastory things. Everytime Pastor Leelian preaches, I feel so cheated that I came all the way and fought through the crowd just to listen to her. Yes, I'm not a fan- I feel like she tries too hard and the way she emulates Pastor Prince's style is just too artificial and her jokes aren't half funny. So whenever she takes over the mike, I do my best to recall what I heard at Grace's church about how its not who and how the person is delivering the word that matters, but its how THE WORD matters (oh and it makes no difference in Grace's church. They are all equally boring.) so as to quell the bubbles of irritation foaming up within me.
But today, she said something that touched me so much I had to hold back tears so that the rather handsome guy in the nice pink Paul Smith shirt wouldn't have to wake up from his extremely uncomfortable nap. Something about how when we feel alone and ready to fall apart and we think that no one remembers us, someone is always around. Someone always willing to listen, protect, heal and love. And at that moment, it was like God whispered to me "I remember you".
Pastor Leelian (new impression of her btw) then asked us to raise our hands and offer one of our worries to God. (Mine was simply a name) After which, she said not to worry about it anymore, because God has received it and he will take care of it. Its not so much she said it, but I truly felt it. All the "How you've been draining me of my energy, how I want so much to care but can't, how I don't know where our relationship is going, how I want so much to be part of your life while simultaneously wishing you weren't part of mine, how I don't know where to go from here" in that one moment I gave it all up. And I felt Him receiving it.
Yes so service was good. (:
To my secular friends, if I've bored you sufficiently, I'm sharing some of my photobooth pictures with you so you don't feel too cheated by this entry haha.
The only picture I managed to save from my old mac before it crashed. I don't know why its only this one either, but it holds so much hall memories.
The picture I took while waiting for my flight from New York to Vancouver- my first flight all alone, and I made my way from my hotel to the sub to the bus and to the airport at like 3 am in the morning. After which I sat waiting at the cafeteria talking to Yilin because my then boyfriend wasn't even keen to accompany me online when I was all alone in the foreignest of lands.
Taken at the UCSB basketball court when the 3 of us sat there and waited for the boys who were playing basketball (the kind loser team gets out and anyone who could form a team could join the game) for 2 hours or so. That was when I decided I'm not the kind of girl who would sit around waiting for a man to go about his business.
Angbow day with my favourite shirt.
I remember the days of us buying textbooks, convinced that new books will motivate us to study (big fat fail). And yes, this book remains unopened on my shelf.
The person who likes to play with my Photobooth when I'm sleeping and yet pretends that she thinks photobooth is childish.
What I want to say now (but really should be going to sleep instead)
Labels: love you, random, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 9/26/2010 10:57:00 PM
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Monday, August 23
I wish I went for service today. I miss You, Jesus.
Labels: YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 8/23/2010 03:31:00 AM
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Tuesday, July 27
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are GodI dont say grace as properly as I should and I dont stay awake in church either, but "going to church doesnt make you a believer anymore thant going into Mcdonalds makes you a BigMac" (Prince, 2010). I know I'm blessed in so many ways I haven realized yet. (:
And no I'm not saying this just because my Gen Bio exams is coming up in 3 days and I am completely on a clean slate.
Labels: NUS, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 7/27/2010 03:24:00 PM
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Friday, March 19
Your eye is on the sparrow, and Your hand it comforts me.And I will run to you, to Your words of truth
Not by might, not by power, but by the spirit of God.
Yes I will run the race, Till I see Your face
Lord let me live in the glory of Your raceYou know how sometimes you really enjoy a song and wonder how can anyone not like what you like? This is one of my songs. Its so amazing and so pure and so deliciously loving (hungry la haha) No, I'm not suddenly infatuated with this song because my finals are coming up in 1 and a half hours and I'm basically in the most unprepared state ever. I'm 'preparing' for my finals on love/sex/religion and reading this book that basically documents how religion and sexuality don't belong in the same place within one body. Its intriguing but I dont have time to discuss this in detail because notes (whatever little of them I have) calls. This is the most time I actually have to prepare for any finals, the most unprepared I've been for any finals and yet the most confident of doing okay. :/
On another note, its my 4th last day in Santa Barbara, it seems awkward that we're leaving this place we've come to find our own little world in. Farewell dinners have been great affairs- only because I refuse to think of what happens next and keep telling myself its not over yet, I still have time. But time is quickly ebbing- and my increasingly empty cupboard somewhat depresses.
Labels: exchange, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 3/19/2010 01:30:00 AM
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Tuesday, March 16
The vanishing love.If only I am half as determined and anxious about my finals (which are coming up in 3 days) as I am about my packing, I think I'll go pretty far. But thankfully, I'm sure my finals wont be a quarter as hard as my packing- all the ziplocks and tapping and squeezing and shoving. Its pretty amazing what my luggages seem so expandable. Whats more amazing than that is the amount of things I actually have.
This picture has everything that I want- If only I had was as pretty as this girl, had as nice hair as she does, was as slim as her, had that lovely dress and that drool-worthy camera. But even then I think I'll find something else to want.
This was taken off the grave of
Leonard Matlovich, "the first soldier to take the U.S. military to court over the gay ban". Its awesome and powerful and makes me want to wear a "
Legalize Gay" shirt from American Apparel. Ironically enough though, he died of AIDs.
Between the 22 March and 13 April, I will be taking 10 plane rides, 1 greyhound and 1 cruise (pending random ferry trips and such). Ahgogo (aka roomie Vicky) and I finally sat down for a good few hours scouring the web for deals and hotel. We were only forced to stop when studentuniverse.com sent me an email telling me my credit card was denied. My mouth dropped in utter horror, definitely the first (and hopefully last) of this kind.
Our transportation alone cost us US $1500 and I feel like a terrible terrible daughter because all my dad said to me was "better take care of yourself and dont go to too rowdy places and take care of yr belonging" and my mummy was all "you better tell me how much you want if not if you go to Hawaii and theres no reception you jialat". My family is the best evidence of God's love for me. :D
Labels: exchange, holiday, love you, pretty, random, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 3/16/2010 05:52:00 PM
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Wednesday, March 3
I miss New Creation.
Cliff told me God makes us a new man all the time. So I guess my whole "I left part of me with (insert names) and therefore I am incomplete" thinking is no longer valid. (:
Just packed 1/8 of my luggage and I must say its looking up. I'm still hoping (despite what my ahgogo says about me being the most delusional person she knows) that everything will fit.
Labels: exchange, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 3/03/2010 03:59:00 PM
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Friday, January 8
Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? (Matthew 6:27:27)
By this line, it really means that however amount of worrying you do cannot add any positive benefits to your life emotionally or physically. Grace told me once (and I will remember forever) that God once us to leave our worries at the cross. Which is what many people do when they pray and ask for something. But once we leave the church or end the prayer session, we pick up those worries we laid down and carry about our lives. "My friend, when you worry, you are actually believing that the devil has the power to make inroads into your life that God cannot protect you from." (Pastor J Prince) I'm not the emblem of even an average Christian (I only found out recently what a manger is) and so I find myself keep having to remind myself of how I should be above worries such as not having enough classes, or not being able to feel contented.
Its coming to the end of the 1st week of school but as of now, I have 2 classes I actually can take and I'm running for 2 more (I actually want 3, but I might as well ask for a piece of cloud) and I've crashed about 8 classes but the hopes are slim because in the undergraduate's words, "the department is small and we're over-enrolled" and theres "nothing I can do about it". All this while I was explaining to her that if I don't get ANY sociology classes I will get kicked out of the States (Okay fine, I exaggerated a little. I just have to delay graduation/ work harder in coming sems). Maybe she just grew numb to pathetic students because shes seen many, but I could have given better 'advice' in my sleep.
Also i'm appalled because what on Earth is "over-enrolled?". I've had it as far as America (and Canada actually) systems of inefficiency with the overselling of train, bus and even airplane tickets, but places in school? Students here are paying 42% more school fees (which are already exorbitant as it is) for less classes and I can barely believe that people stand for the atrocities of this. But petitions have been done, walk outs held and protests organizes, all to nil effect and I kind of feel sorry for these people but at the same time, all so thankful for Singapore. Because small and moutainless as we are, we live in a society of genuine people (even though some of them are horrible) and efficiency to the point its scary and even impersonal. And when we want the great outdoors or some 500 year old culture, we can buy a plane ticket that has close to 0 chances of being oversold and staffed with helpful people who will not shrug off responsibilities such as missing baggage and fly somewhere. I dont think very many people here can take a hiatus to fair treatment.
I guess all the NUS people are wailing about CORS right now- the bidding system that allocates modules. And if it helps, at least you're guaranteed 5 classes and at least some of them are classes you actually wanted to take. If all else fails, the Arts & Social Science department is pretty decent, I miss calling them up for everything.
In a few moments I am going to have to petition to take grad classes here and my Sociology skills are hardly mature so I'm not exactly thrilled. But as I am on the verge of being kicked out of school if I dont get enough stuff to study, I don't have the luxury of choice.
Then after running around school for an average of 10 hours a day (today its a record at 12! 12! I have like 15 hours of school a week at NUS), I find my longing for comfort and understanding and even company missing. So this week hasnt been all that rosy.
I fell in love because the skies turned from gray to blue.
Labels: exchange, stargazing, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 1/08/2010 04:35:00 AM
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Sunday, January 3
“Their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.” (Hebrews 10:17:17)And this is why man fall short. We cant even forget the simplest of let downs. Gods grace is so undeserved and unmerited it sometimes become so taken for granted. Martin Luther King said that everyday he needs to preach the gospel of grace because everyday, he forgets, and MLK is absolutely right. But God reminded me he loves me when he gave me the beautiful sunny Seattle day I asked for last night. Which is super rare cause it rains 226 days per year here, especially in winter.
Its the small things that really matter.
Labels: YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 1/03/2010 11:13:00 AM
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Monday, October 5
You live according to the laws of the new covenant when you are conscious of how much God loves you. And the more you are conscious of His love for you, the more your heart is filled with love. When that happens, you will love God and the people around you supernaturally and effortlessly. That is God writing on your heart the royal law of love — that we love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)
Labels: everyday nonsense, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 10/05/2009 01:29:00 AM
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Saturday, July 18
magnificient mobiles!I think too highly of myself sometimes. The
spotlight effect hits me hard.
Then again, what happened to "I will not look to my own strength"?
Church was so good today, made better by the two person I so loved flanking me.
Faith, is trusting that somehow, my visa will appear soon (:
Labels: stargazing, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 7/18/2009 12:51:00 PM
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Monday, July 13
My Abba, My Father,
You'll love me forever,My futures secure in Your hands.I guess if we go by faith, there really isn't much that can unsettle Christians. Not when God has so much love for us. What can go wrong really? :D I need to stop trying to understand everything and just bask in His love manifested through so much around me.
Hip hip hooray, I almost didn't think of you today! :)
I mean to blog about more but time is of the essense here when I need to wake at 6ish tmr if I dont want to be late for Oweek precamp followed by Soci Camp. This means that Van will very possibly be sleep deprived for the next few days as well as housingless for exchange.
I do miss the handball passion and friends very much. ):
Labels: everyday nonsense, handball, stargazing, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 7/13/2009 01:20:00 AM
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Sunday, July 12
Like a falling star, I fell for you.I realize, with a startle, that I had to remember you today. This can only be good news. (:
With
Qiu, its always fun and funny and random and I can tell her all the highly
embarrassing things I've done with no shame. Its what I love so much about her. Made the gloomy date all brighter.
Rugby puts me in a limbo- there are too many decisions to make in too little time. I hate it that someone has to cover my ground for me too. I could rest in the fact that this is my first 15 games. But I prefer solutions to excuses.
I wish I had sharper tackles. Maybe I could practise it on the next person who blocks my emergency enterence to the MRT. I find that so highly annoying. Almost as annoying as the fact that our coutersy ambassordor is Phua Chu Kang. Seriously, Singaporeans, we need something that resembles taste.
New Creation cell group orientation was good - how could it not be when You are my Abba my God! No really, I was afraid of being a misfit or like alone, but then I was silly to recognize I'm never alone - in the non-creapy sense of course. :)
Labels: love you, rugby, stargazing, YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 7/12/2009 01:53:00 AM
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Sunday, July 5
My hope is in You,Secure I stand.New Creation has opened up a whole new world for me and I, classically enough, believe that I am now a new creation in Christ. I am not of the
understanding why some Christians don't think its appropriate to talk about
Christianity in front of non-believers. After all, if this makes me happy, even if you're not on the same platform as me, shouldn't you be glad for me? Anyway, I hardly care, man's judgements are much much overly rated.
Labels: YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 7/05/2009 10:11:00 PM
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Thursday, March 5
There've been times in my life
You've opened doors
They weren't what i was hoping for
So i walked right by them
I didn't even try them
There're dreams i forgot about and dreams i let die
Unnoticed sunsets in front of my eyes
I just couldn’t see them
I thought I didn’t need them
Sure, there are things I’d do different
And yet, grace gives me days where I simply forget
Cause you set me free to run through fields of laughter
And to sing as though I have no yesterdays
You set me free from my befores and afters
From a debt I know I’ll never pay
When you set me free
There’ve been chances to love that I’ve ignored
Mercies I’ve found I couldn’t afford
I’m sure I would’ve shown them
If I'd known then
How we all play a part in each other’s lives
And there’s more to this game than winning the prize
So much I wanna try now
I feel that I could fly now
Sure, there are things I’d do different
And yet, grace gives me days where I simply forget
Cause you set me free to run through fields of laughter
And to sing as though I have no yesterdays
You set me free from my befores and afters
From a debt I know I’ll never pay
Father, you father me ever so patiently
You give me wings to fly
When you set me free
To fly, to soar to places I’ve not been before
The bound’ries of humanity cannot contain
What you set free
Labels: YOU (:
Mamihlapinatapei : 3/05/2009 03:21:00 AM
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